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Still time to learn to snowshoe

Apr 11, 2013 - By Clair McFarland

And in this weather, don't do much driving unless you possess the NASCAR gene.

It looks like Old Man Winter got hooked up to a defibrillator this week, and at a most unfortunate time for anyone who knows the definition of "spring" and when it starts on the calendar.

Clearly there were several negative consequences to the snowstorm that got cozy in our county on Monday, starting with the poor travel conditions that ousted school on Tuesday. The kids in the neighborhood didn't appear to be teary-eyed. Curiouser and curiouser...

Furthermore, anyone whose job depends on a sane April is beset with trouble and labor this week, and they are in our prayers.

For those of you, however, who are not exactly weeping over the temporary closure of the schools, and who are not bound to struggle against the elements outside, perhaps an attempt at optimism is in order amidst this blizzard. After all, you never got around to teaching yourself to snowshoe or cross country ski all winter, so now is your chance.

Also, you should get outside to make a snowman, and label him "your brain on a steady diet of cookie dough, fluoride, and 'Twilight' movies." This way, when the big fella melts down to a sad lump in a couple of days, everyone will understand the depth of your snow art.

You also must find a vacant parking lot (that has not been plowed) for using your emergency hand brake in your car. I've never actually tried this loop-around trick before, but the Husband uses it as his preferred parallel parking method during snowy road conditions.

Disclaimer: I am not responsible for accidents, and please only attempt the e-brake cookie if you, like the Husband, possess the NASCAR gene. If you're like me, put snow tires on your bicycle and circle your lawn a few times instead. That ought to be enough of a joy ride for you driver's ed deadweights.

While you're outside, shovel your walks. I say this not just as a concerned outdoorswoman, or as one who likes receiving mail from mailmen and mailwomen not in leg casts, but as one who knows it'll prime you for any hostile takeover of the neighborhood. If you can shovel this heavy April snow, then you can wield a pitchfork or a rolling pin when mutant rabbits come for the last of your cookie dough.

In this revisited winter, rock your favorite winter-spring fashion hybrid. I've always wondered when a Wyoming girl could master an outfit that contains boots, stockings, shorts, and a tank top, and one of those fuzzy hats whereupon scarf and mittens have been either sown or genetically determined, and now -- as I look outside -- I know.

With this season-appropriate contradiction in fashion, you're all set to become a superhero's girlfriend, or a rock star, or just an inaccurate meteorologist. (I'm sorry; I didn't mean to be redundant.)

Go for a walk in the snow. At this time, do not commit any crimes, as the impression of your boots can be traced back to the rest of your person, and you might have to explain where you got the genetically freakish hat-scarf-glove thing on your head.

Finally, finish off your adventures by putting marshmallows in hot chocolate and then drinking the whole conglomeration. It's the last time you'll get to drink hot chocolate amidst snowstorms until Halloween-ish, so enjoy it.

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